Stagnation

Content is difficult. It’s taking portions of yourself and just, throwing them, mutating them, using them and creating entirely original or modified content. It’s exhausting!

I find myself consistently struggling with consistency. For better or for worse, I don’t think it’s a crime to admit that some days are better than others. I don’t like a set time to sleep. I like flexible outcomes in the face of contextual living.

Is this healthy? Beneficial? It’s hard to say. Probably not. But when you’re in the face of attempting to work a full time job, raise children, keep up relationships across the board, etc. It becomes one of the few times I’ve got for the ‘me’ time.

Those moments where content can be created. The few times where I can take all of my attention and devote it to content such as this. Or music. Or web design. Or anything else one can think of. It’s the small tiny compact moments in time that I get to press my ‘save’ buttons.

I can go back to these moments during my days. During the times that I want to shrivel or run away most, I can look back at the save state and realize, it’s just a matter of time before we’re back to that. To a degree. I think that’s been one of the ways I’ve been attempting to deal with an uncanny amount of things on my agenda these days.

The content creation suffers from lack of consistency as well. I don’t have a good time simply picking times and dates to create music, when I totally should. When I was prepping for a senior recital, it became very clear that if I didn’t practice every day, I was doing a disservice to that performance. I wonder why I have such a difficult time performing to the same degree today?

I know time plays a huge factor in this. I had time and was expected to play every day as a music major. As I work in IT most of my days, music theory or analysis is typically not the first on my list of things to do. The whole premise of doing more technology for longer periods of time scared me away when I was working for Apple.

I want to do music. I love to do music. In almost every fashion, it makes my heart sing louder than anything else. I want to find a niche where I can do music for 8+ hours a day, for it to pay the bills, and then for me to go home and do everything else.

That’s difficult to find in a modern day setting. The jobs for arts are slim. If you’re not doing something immediately relevant, there’s just about zero funding. It can be incredibly disheartening and frustrating, but like, that’s the gig.

For me, I really create music to help myself express the feelings and emotions that come along with all of the above. It helps me conceptualize and box up those feelings in attempt to translate that into a different medium. Music as a language I feel was often coined by my friend Ben, but really, that’s what it is. A form of communication.

I love communicating through music and allowing folks to hear my internal thought processes behind these atmospheres. Behind this music, these charts, is an outpouring of every last bit that I’ve got to give. It’s the labor of love in vein of communication that I enjoy the most.

I’m just trying to figure out why it’s so difficult for me to jump into the things that I clearly know and can recognize that I love the most. What makes it so difficult for me to conceptualize sleeping will allow for more time doing the things that make me happy? That I’ll be more present and capable of participating in such a way that lack of sleep would otherwise dictate.

I’m typically not as affected by it as I’d like to think. I can go 3 – 4 of my days with as little as 4 – 6 hours of sleep and not think twice about it. However, if given the option, I’ll gladly sleep upwards of 8 – 10. It’s just difficult for me to even think about creating content in such a way if I get that much sleep.

Where’s the balance? Where’s the costs? What’s my outlook or outcome? These are all questions I’m attempting to take into account as I journey onward in the direction I believe I’d enjoy most. If I can just get a bit more perspective, maybe it’ll be easier to go the direction I really want.

Thanks for the rabbit hole. Mad props if you’ve followed this far. One little post at a time helps contribute to SEO and more people finding this incredibly weird and off-the-wall website. That’s the goal. That’s the dream. One word at a time.

Thanks!