It’s Never Enough

It feels like I will never be able to create enough content. There are literally tens, hundreds, thousands of other musical artists and creators in much higher caliber than me. Whole entirely different dimensions of success, creativity, originality… I’m toast.

Especially in the face of where I’m currently at, I don’t think there’s any way that I’ll be able to catch up to certain folks. I’ve got to be able to accept that. I’ve felt incredibly burnt when it comes to churning out content here lately. My musical endeavors feel forced, un-creative, and flat out bad. I’ve got a dream this year to create some art and some original t-shirt designs… but trying to logisticize (yay a new word) that is pretty intense in and of its own.

I’m slated to release the next album of DND-related battle-music-focused stuff here in June. And at this rate, I’m worried that I won’t have all that much to release. I’ve got at least a few battle themes, a sadboi tavern song, and a few other misc. ones that I’ve gathered this past year or so. The Warhammer saga seriously wiped me out. I put so much into it that it just literally drained me.

It also inspired me. It helped me recognize some of the best music and work I’ve done to date. It shows me that at a point, I accept mediocrity in the face of a lot of my work. Whether this be because of my own ineptitude, lack of attention, follow-through, etc… remains to be seen. At a certain point, as a hooman, we can only do so much. I’ve got a full time job, wife, two kids, and all sorts of insane creative endeavors that I’m thrown against every week.

I try to do two DND sessions per week; Monday and Friday. They’re streamed, lude, and beyond any sort of viewer enjoyment. They’ve got their own world, homebrewed, with history, lore, and more information than I can ever really remember; let alone expound upon. I’m trying to release multiple albums throughout the year, of different genres, and simultaneously start to learn and develop computer programs, websites, and more.

This is before my big dream of creating an Augmented Reality program that literally incentivizes real life input instead of vegetative-state gaming. I can only begin to imagine the insanity that will go behind that project. Game design of… why do folks even pick up this game? Why do individuals play games at all? What is the meaning of leisure when you’re still actively working?

I do happen to find myself amidst the work though, at least, for a moment or two. I love it when I can lose myself to a passion that will benefit myself and others. Truly, such as music performance goes, I enjoy creating a product that folks want to be around. I may not have the peak talent of folks who have much more time, effort, and resources to throw at the craft. I may not have the follow through that it takes to remain consistent in outputting songs on a weekly, monthly, or even yearly basis. But at least I still try to put my very soul into the stuff I do create.

I do enjoy the creation element as well, especially when I’ve appropriate context and a looming deadline. Often, sometimes, the best inspiration is simply the time that it’s due. Date of release, etc. Alas, I do wish that I could have a bit of discipline enough to put myself in front of the tools, even if I don’t accomplish much with them. And that is something I’m still attempting and working towards. Heck, Ableton is open right now as I type this blog post. SEO or something for a website that literally nobody ever visits. Lol.

Alas. We do be thankful. I’m glad that I’ll never be able to put out enough. That I’ve always got a hill to climb. After all, what would be worse than me reaching that point? I’d be in an even worse state than I am now!